我们在网上征集大家收到过的最难接受的评价，分析了445例类似事件。

We looked at 445 such incidents when we conducted an online survey asking people about the hardest feedback they ever received.

参与者提供的内容有些特别刺耳——

“考虑离职吧，我需要战士不是怂包。”

“你容不得质疑，控制欲太强，目中无人。”

Some of the comments were downright harsh——

“Think about leaving — I need warriors not wimps” and “You only want to be right. You are manipulative. You don’t care about others”.

另一些语气稍微缓和但仍然直接——

“你发脾气的时候，别人会觉得不被尊重。”

“你在写邮件方面要改进，去掉那些华丽辞藻，不要语气软弱，只说事实就行了”。

And others were less intense while still direct——

“When you lose your temper, it can make others feel less respected” and “You need to improve your emails by only stating facts and not making them so flowery or soft”.

很多人回想起数十年前收到的刺耳评价，仍然心有余悸。对此我感同身受，曾有一位同事因为不喜欢我处理一封邮件的方式，叫我“傻x”，还威胁要毁了我。想起这件事，我仍感到胸口憋闷，心惊胆战。

Many respondents to our study were still haunted by a harsh comment they received decades ago. I know this feeling from personal experience. I still feel a tightness in my chest and a sense of profound dread when I recall an episode where a colleague who didn’t like the way I handled an email called me a “f—ing idiot” and threatened to destroy me.

我本以为，相比委婉的批评，这种“更具摧毁性”的批评会令人感觉更糟。但令人深感意外的是，两者同样使人沮丧无措。

My hunch was that those who received such high-octane criticisms were likely to feel worse than those who received gentler comments. But, surprisingly, people who received less severe comments reported being just as overwhelmed and upset.

研究中令我惊讶的是，无论批评强度如何，几乎没有人在面对批评时燃起斗志。近90%的人形容自己当下的情绪反应时，用了“目瞪口呆、震惊、惊呆、错愕、麻木”这样的词，40%的人感到类似“羞耻”的情绪：“难堪、没用、受伤、难过和自我怀疑。”不到15%的人产生了敌对情绪：“愤怒、背叛或暴力。”

I was also surprised that few in our study became combative in the face of criticism, regardless of its severity. In fact, close to 90% described their immediate emotional response with words like dumbfounded, flabbergasted, shocked, stunned, or numb and 40% described a “shame”-related emotion like: embarrassment, worthlessness, hurt, sadness, and self-doubt. A scant 15% reacted with feelings that focused on the other person: anger, betrayal, or violence.

为什么委婉建议和厉声指责会让我们感到同样痛苦？答案是：我们都渴望被他人认同，而惧怕真相。批评性反馈让我们受伤，因为它威胁到人类最根本的两大心理需求：安全感（感到身体、社交或物质安全）和价值感（自尊、自爱或自信的感觉）。

Why would anodyne observations create just as much agony as scathing assaults? The answer is this: we all crave approval and fear truth. And critical feedback feels traumatic because it threatens two of our most fundamental psychological needs: safety (perceived physical, social, or material security) and worth (a sense of self-respect, self-regard, or self-confidence).

先说安全感。有时，他人说的话威胁到你的物质安全（“我要炒了你”），或者关系（“我要和你分手”），或人身威胁（“我想揍你”）。在这些情况下，恐惧是应有的反应。但我们研究的445个案例中，这种直接威胁并不多见。多数情况下，让我们陷入风险的并非评价本身，而是我们对评价防御、对抗或不满的态度。

Let’s address safety first. There are times when feedback does include financial threats (“I’m going to fire you”), relational threats (“I’m going to leave you”), or even physical threats (“I’m going to hit you”). In these instances, fear is the right response. But our analysis of the 445 episodes people reported in our study showed that immediate threats are a rare exception. In most cases, it is our defensive, combative, or resentful response to feedback that puts us at risk more than the feedback itself.

接下来谈谈价值感。倘若了解真相有益身心，为什么那一刻我们会感到羞愧、恐惧和愤怒？因为我们一直隐隐担心自己缺乏价值，而他人的评价有可能戳破真相。

Now let’s talk about worth. If learning truth is beneficial, why would its reception provoke shame, fear, and anger? Because we live with an undercurrent of terror that we aren’t worthy and feedback risks pointing this out.

研究中，很多参与者称如果批评者动机不良，造成的伤害会更大。但实际上动机并不重要。真相是，我们渴求权威者认可，并暗自希冀：权威者的背书也许会削弱我们觉得自己不够好的暗示，但实际上并不会。

Many in our study argued that feedback hurts worse when the messenger has malicious motives. In truth, motive is irrelevant. The reality is that most of us crave the approval of powerful people. Our secret hope is that their positive endorsement might finally quiet feelings of nagging inadequacy. But it doesn’t.

我之前一直认定，帮助人们接受负面评价并做出改变的最佳方式，是帮助评价者更好地学会表达。但现在我觉得自己错了。我们与其纠结于如何“正确”表述负面评价，不如更好地学习在负面评价中寻找真相。

I’ve spent much of my life believing that the best way to help people receive and act on negative feedback is to help those who are delivering it to improve their message. But I’m now convinced I was wrong. Rather than focusing on saying things the “right” way, we need to all get better a finding truth in negative feedback, no matter how it’s delivered.

我亲眼看到，人们通过从自身寻获安全感和价值感，做到上述行为。过去三年，我和位于美国犹他州盐湖城的一家名为The Other Side Academy（下称TOSA）的非营利机构合作研究。这里生活着约100名成年男女，基本都有长期吸毒、无家可归和犯罪史，他们在TOSA自给自足，在反馈中获得成长。他们深信：直面残酷真相，是成长和幸福的最佳路径。

I’ve witnessed first-hand how people can do this by taking responsibility for their own safety and worth. For the past three years, I have studied and worked with a nonprofit called The Other Side Academy (TOSA) in Salt Lake City, Utah. Approximately one hundred adult men and women with long histories of crime, addiction, and homelessness live at TOSA in a self-reliant community that thrives on feedback. Their fundamental belief is that relentless exposure to truth is the best path to growth and happiness.

每周，这些学生会参加2次名为“游戏”的反馈活动，每次2小时不间断。这个过程很吵，大家用词形形色色，不加修饰。有时，20多名学生会针对一名学生进行20—25分钟的集中批评。同学们会举例证明被针对者不够诚实、控制欲强、懒惰、自私或刻薄。没人在乎措辞是否委婉，而是关注如何帮助每个人学会“适应他们的游戏”。

Twice a week, students engage in a process called “Games,” which is two hours of nonstop feedback. It can be loud. Vocabulary is sometimes raw and colorful. And a single student can be the focus of relentless attention for 20-25 minutes from as many as two dozen colleagues. Peers present you with evidence that you are dishonest, manipulative, lazy, selfish, or mean. There is little emphasis placed on diplomatic delivery of the message. Instead, they focus on helping the individual learn to “take their game.”

一些学生采用防御姿态面对游戏。如果对方说的话不中听，他们会选择走开、否认或予以回击，但多数人不会这样，他们很快发现只有自己能给自己安全感。抚平心灵的最快途径是确认自我效能（self-efficacy），提高自我效能最好的方式是从反馈中发掘真相。反馈只有三种情况：真实、虚假、真假参半（多数情况）。如果真相会伤到你，说明不知道比知道更具破坏性。因此，了解真相总是有益的。

A few students react to their game defensively. They’ll withdraw, deny, or lash-out against those who are telling them things they don’t want to hear. But most don’t. They quickly learn that they are the primary source of their own safety. Reassuring themselves of their own efficacy is the fastest path to peace, and the best way to increase their self-efficacy is to scour the feedback for truth. The feedback is either true, false, or more often, a mix of the two. And if the truth is going to hurt you, it is more likely to do greater damage when you don’t know it than when you do. So, learning it is always beneficial.

TOSA学生教会我，我们在面对批评时，要学会保持韧性。下次当你在毫无准备的情况下遭遇严厉批评，可以尝试以下四步法。为了让你在压力下也能更好实践，我将其归纳为易于记忆的四字缩写——

What I’ve learned from the TOSA students is that we need to build our resilience in the face of criticism. Here are four steps you can try the next time harsh feedback catches you off-guard. I’ve organized them into an easy-to-remember acronym — CURE — to help you put these lessons in practice even when you’re under stress.

“ 整理复积 ”

Collect yourself

整理情绪。缓慢深呼吸会让你感到安全，意识到身体不必进入战斗状态。关注自身感受会有所帮助。你是否感到受伤？害怕？尴尬？羞愧？对个人来说，越能感受到这种主要情感，越不会受愤怒、防御或过度恐惧等次要情感的影响。一些学生会有意识地借助安抚性事实缓解心情，例如重复告诉自己：“这件事不会伤害我，我很安全”，或者“即使我犯了错误，也不用否定自己这个人”。

Collect yourself. Breathing deeply and slowly reminds you that you are safe. It signals that you don’t need to be aroused for physical defense. Noticing your feelings helps, too. Are you hurt, scared, embarrassed, ashamed? The more connected you are to these primary feelings the less you become consumed with secondary effects like anger, defensiveness, or exaggerated fear. Some students collect themselves by consciously connecting with soothing truths, for example by repeating a phrase like, “This can’t hurt me. I’m safe.” or “If I made a mistake, it doesn’t mean I am a mistake.”

理解，保持好奇。提问并请对方举例，然后倾听。尽量保持客观，想象事不关己，对方是在说其他人。这样做会让你避免评估所听到的内容，把自己当成优秀记者，像了解故事的来龙去脉那样倾听。

Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. Detach yourself from what is being said as though it is being said about a third person. That will help you bypass the need to evaluate what you’re hearing. Simply act like a good reporter trying to understand the story.

复原。到这个阶段，最佳选择往往是直接结束谈话。告诉对方，你希望花时间反省一下，有机会再回复他。在评估听到的内容之前，先允许自己充分感受过程，并找回理智。在TOSA，一些学生有时会回应说，“我会好好想想的”——不同意也不反对。他们只是承诺会找时间真诚地思考这些评价。如果对方说的话让你很难接受，你可以这样说，“我需要一些时间，好好思考一下你说的话，然后找机会告诉你我的结论。” 

Recover. It’s often best at this point to simply exit the conversation. Explain that you want some time to reflect and you’ll respond when you have a chance to do so. Give yourself permission to feel and recover from the experience before doing any evaluation of what you heard. At TOSA, students sometimes simply say, “I will take a look at that.” They don’t agree. They don’t disagree. They simply promise to look sincerely at what they were told on their own timeline. You can end a challenging episode by simply saying, “It’s important to me that I get this right. I need some time. And I’ll get back to you to let you know where I come out.”

积极参与，寻求真相。审视他人所言。如果你从自己身上找到了安全感和价值感，就不会在他人意见中寻找漏洞，而是会寻求真相。如果对方说的90%是废话，只有10%的实质内容，关心后者。别人的评价中，一般总会有少许真相。不断抽丝剥茧，发现真相。如果情况允许，再次联系评价你的人，告诉他你如何理解他的话，赞同哪些内容，以及承诺做些什么。有时，这么做意味着你要分享个人观点。假如你在潜意识里不需要寻求对方认同，就不会体现出防御性。

Engage. Examine what you were told. If you’ve done a good job reassuring yourself of your safety and worth, rather than poking holes in the feedback, you’ll look for truth. If it’s 90% fluff and 10% substance, look for the substance. There is almost always at least a kernel of truth in what people are telling you. Scour the message until you find it. Then, if appropriate, re-engage with the person who shared the feedback and acknowledge what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do. At times, this may mean sharing your view of things. If you’re doing so with no covert need for their approval, you won’t need to be defensive.

其实，我们在遭受“劈头盖脸的恶评”时，感受到的悲惨只是表象，背后隐藏了更深层的问题。那些承认并解决了深层问题的人，除了能从这些罕见而惊人的情绪创伤中恢复，还能更好地应对所有人生悲欢。

It turns out that the misery we feel when “feedsmacked” is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Those who acknowledge and address this deeper issue don’t just get better at these rare startling moments of emotional trauma, they are better equipped for all of life’s vicissitudes.

关键词：职场

约瑟夫·格雷尼四次荣获《纽约时报》畅销书作家，是会议主讲者，出色的企业绩效社会学家。他的著作被译为28种语言，在36个国家出版，《财富》500强中的300家企业成功应用了他的理论。他联合创办了VitalSmarts，一家为企业提供培训和领导力发展的创新公司。

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