Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion

无论是糟糕的销售季度，升职无望，或与同事发生冲突，当人们在工作中遭遇种种挫败时，通常以两种方式作出回应。要么出于自卫责备他人；要么自责。不幸的是，这两种回应都于事无补。用自卫来逃避责任可以减轻失败的痛楚，但也要付出学费。另一方面，自责只能换来一时平稳，可能会让别人对你的潜力做出差评，影响个人发展前途。

When people experience a setback at work—whether it’s a bad sales quarter, being overlooked for a promotion, or an interpersonal conflict with a colleague—it’s common to respond in one of two ways. Either we become defensive and blame others, or we berate ourselves. Unfortunately, neither response is especially helpful. Shirking responsibility by getting defensive may alleviate the sting of failure, but it comes at the expense of learning. Self-flagellation, on the other hand, may feel warranted in the moment, but it can lead to an inaccurately gloomy assessment of one’s potential, which undermines personal development.

面对类似情况，如果我们能站在朋友的角度看待自己，会怎么做呢？很大几率下我们会持友善、理解和鼓励的态度。从自我内心深处产生这类反应被称为自我同情，近年来这一概念一直是大量研究的焦点。心理学家发现，自我同情是在各种环境下提升表现的利器，从健康老化到田径运动不一而足。我和其他研究者已经开始关注自我同情如何促进职业发展。

What if instead we were to treat ourselves as we would a friend in a similar situation? More likely than not, we’d be kind, understanding, and encouraging. Directing that type of response internally, toward ourselves, is known as self-compassion, and it’s been the focus of a good deal of research in recent years. Psychologists are discovering that self-compassion is a useful tool for enhancing performance in a variety of settings, from healthy aging to athletics. I and other researchers have begun focusing on how self-compassion also enhances professional growth.

对于非学界人士而言，自我同情比自尊或自信更陌生。虽然具有自我同情的人往往自尊心比较强，但这是截然不同的两个概念。自尊往往涉及通过与他人比较来评价自己，但自我同情不涉及评判自己或别人。相反，自我同情能创造对自我价值的感知，因为它能让人们真正关心自己的幸福，并在遭遇挫折后自我修复。具有高度自我同情的人表现出三种行为：首先，面对失败和错误，他们善待而非苛责自己；第二，他们认识到失败是所有人都有的经历；第三，当他们跌倒或没达到预期时，他们允许自己心情变差，但不会沉湎于消极情绪之中。

For nonacademics, self-compassion is a less familiar concept than self-esteem or self-confidence. Although it’s true that people who engage in self-compassion tend to have higher self-esteem, the two concepts are distinct. Self-esteem tends to involve evaluating oneself in comparison with others. Self-compassion, on the other hand, doesn’t involve judging the self or others. Instead, it creates a sense of self-worth because it leads people to genuinely care about their own well-being and recovery after a setback. People with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate three behaviors: First, they are kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes; second, they recognize that failures are a shared human experience; and third, they take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short—they allow themselves to feel bad, but they don’t let negative emotions take over.

得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校的教授克里斯汀·内夫（Kristin Neff）开发了评估自我同情三要素的调研工具。研究者和从业人员已经使用该工具来发现与自我同情有关的个性特征和行为，并且已经发现，高分者通常更有动力完善自己，并且更有可能具有高度本真性，即忠于自我的感受。这两点都是事业取得成功的重要因素。令人欣慰的是，自我同情能培养和加强这些特质。

Kristin Neff, a professor at the University of Texas, Austin, has developed a survey tool that assesses the three components of self-compassion. Researchers and practitioners have used the tool to shed light on what personality traits and behaviors are associated with self-compassion and have found, among other things, that people who score high typically have greater motivation to improve themselves and are more likely to report strong feelings of authenticity—the sense of being true to the self. Both are important contributors to a successful career. The good news is that both of these traits can be cultivated and enhanced through self-compassion.

成长型思维

A Growth Mindset

大多数组织和人们都希望提升自我，自我同情对此至关重要。我们倾向于将个人成长与决心、毅力和努力联系起来，但该过程通常始于反思。自我提升的一大关键要求是，对我们所处现状——优势和局限进行客观评估。说服明天的自己比今天的自己更好，会导致自满；但认为明天的自己不如今天的自己会导致绝望。当人们以同情心对待自己时，能更客观地评价自我，这是提升的基础。他们也更有动力去审视自己的弱点，而不是想“这有什么意义？”鼓起勇气提升技能和改变恶习。

Most organizations and people want to improve—and self-compassion is crucial for that. We tend to associate personal growth with determination, persistence, and hard work, but the process often starts with reflection. One of the key requirements for self-improvement is having a realistic assessment of where we stand—of our strengths and our limitations. Convincing ourselves that we are better than we are leads to complacency, and thinking we’re worse than we are leads to defeatism. When people treat themselves with compassion, they are better able to arrive at realistic self-appraisals, which is the foundation for improvement. They are also more motivated to work on their weaknesses rather than think “What’s the point?” and to summon the grit required to enhance skills and change bad habits.

我的同事，罗德岛大学的朱莉安娜·布莱内斯（Juliana Breines）、孟菲斯大学的张佳伟（Jia Wei Zhang，音译）和我在系列研究中证明了上述观点。研究中，参与者以自我同情或者提升自尊的方式对待自己，然后我们评估了他们对自我改善的渴望。在一项研究中，我们要求参与者回忆一段犯错并因此产生负罪感、悔恨和内疚的经历。大多数人的回忆包括感情上的背叛、学术不端行为、不诚实、背信弃义或伤害他们在乎的人。

My colleagues Juliana Breines (at the University of Rhode Island) and Jia Wei Zhang (at the University of Memphis) and I demonstrated this in a series of studies in which participants were nudged to treat themselves either with self-compassion or in a self-esteem-boosting manner. Then we assessed their desire for self-improvement. In one study, we asked participants to recall a time when they did something they felt was wrong and as a result experienced guilt, remorse, and regret. The majority of participants’ transgressions involved romantic infidelity, academic misconduct, dishonesty, betrayal of trust, or hurting someone they cared about.

然后我们将它们随机分配到以下三组：自我同情、自尊或对照组。自我同情组的参与者被要求给自己写一段表达善意和谅解错误的文字。自尊组被要求写一段描述自己优点的文字。对照组的参与者需要写一段描述兴趣爱好的文字。然后所有参与者都填写了一份调查问卷，评估他们未来希望弥补过错以及承诺不重复犯错的程度。我们发现，与自尊组和对照组的人相比，那些被鼓励以同情心对待自己的人称，他们更有动力去弥补过失并且永远不会重复犯错。在其他研究中，我们发现，与其他两组参与者相比，自我同情增强了那些曾背叛感情的参与者的决心，让他们在未来关系中有志成为更好的伴侣。

We then randomly assigned them to one of three conditions: self-compassion, self-esteem, or a control group. The self-compassion participants were asked to write a paragraph to themselves expressing kindness and understanding regarding the transgression. The self-esteem people were asked to write a paragraph describing their positive qualities. Participants in the control group were asked to write about a hobby they enjoyed. All participants then filled out a questionnaire assessing their desire to make amends and their commitment not to repeat the transgression in the future. We found that those who were encouraged to treat themselves with compassion reported being more motivated to make amends and to never repeat the transgression than participants who were encouraged to respond to the transgression in a self-esteem-boosting manner and those in the control group. In other research, we found that self-compassion increased the resolve of people who said they had been responsible for a romantic breakup to be better partners in future relationships, compared with participants in the other two conditions.

自我同情不仅能帮助人们从失败或挫折中走出来，还支持斯坦福大学心理学教授卡罗尔·德韦克（Carol Dweck）所说的“成长型思维”。德韦克记录了采取成长而非“固定”方式来提高绩效的好处，无论是成功建立初创公司，养育子女或是跑马拉松都适用。固定思维的人认为，人格特质和能力是一成不变的，包括他们自己的个性和能力。他们相信今天的我们和五年后的我们没有区别。成长型思维的人则反之，认为人格和能力具有可塑性。他们看到了成长的潜力，因此更有可能尝试改进，努力实践并保持积极乐观。

Self-compassion does more than help people recover from failure or setbacks. It also supports what Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, has called a “growth mindset.” Dweck has documented the benefits of adopting a growth rather than “fixed” approach to performance, whether it be in launching a successful start-up, parenting, or running a marathon. People with a fixed mindset see personality traits and abilities, including their own, as set in stone. They believe that who we are today is essentially who we’ll be five years from now. People who have a growth mindset, in contrast, view personality traits and abilities as malleable. They see the potential for growth and thus are more likely to try to improve—to put in effort and practice and to stay positive and optimistic.

我的研究表明，自我同情会激发人们采取成长型思维。在我与朱莉安娜·布莱内斯进行的一项研究中，参与者被要求指出他们认为自己最大的弱点。大多数人提及了社交方面的弱点，如缺乏信心、焦虑、害羞和在关系中缺乏安全感。之后他们被随机分配成三组。自我同情小组的参与者被要求回答下面的问题：“试想以同情和理解的角度谈论这个弱点，你会说什么？”自尊组中的人们被要求回答：“试从证明积极（而非消极）品质的角度来谈论这个弱点。”最后的对照组未被要求写下任何答案。

My research suggests that self-compassion triggers people to adopt a growth mindset. In one study I conducted with Juliana Breines, participants were asked to identify what they considered to be their biggest weakness—most involved social difficulties such as lack of confidence, anxiety, shyness, and insecurity in relationships—after which they were randomly assigned to one of three groups. Participants in the self-compassion group were asked to write a response to this prompt: “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?” People in the self-esteem group were asked to write in response to: “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive (rather than negative) qualities.” The final group was not asked to write anything.

接下来，参与者完成了一系列他们是否感到满足、悲伤或沮丧的评估，然后被要求花5分钟描述是否做过任何改变弱点和发掘弱点源头的努力。独立程序员根据其所传达的成长或固定型思维程度，对他们的答案进行打分（“这是天生的，我无能为力”对比“努力工作，我就能改变”）。与其他两组参与者相比，自我同情状态的参与者表达了与成长心态相关的更多思想。

Next, participants completed a set of measures about whether they felt content, sad, or upset and then were asked to spend five minutes describing whether they’ve ever done anything to change their weakness and where they thought their weakness came from. Independent coders rated participants’ responses based on the degree to which they conveyed a growth or a fixed mindset (“It’s just inborn—there’s nothing I can do” versus “With hard work I know I can change”). Participants in the self-compassion condition expressed significantly more thoughts associated with a growth mindset than participants in the other two conditions.

但实际行为呢？我们怎么知道自我同情，以及由此产生的成长思维，能让人们更加努力地改善自己？根据有关固定和成长思维的科学文献，成长思维最有说服力的标志之一是，他/她乐于在收到负面评价后继续努力做得更好。毕竟，如果你相信自己的能力是固定的，那改变就没有意义了。但如果你认为能力是可变的，负面评价就不会阻止你提升自我。

But what about actual behavior? How do we know that self-compassion—and the resulting growth mindset—will lead people to work harder to improve themselves? According to the scientific literature on fixed and growth mindsets, one of the most compelling signs that a person has a growth mindset is his or her willingness to keep trying to do better after receiving negative feedback. After all, if you believe your abilities are fixed, there’s no point in making the effort. But if you view abilities as changeable, getting negative feedback shouldn’t deter you in trying to improve.

我们在一项研究中测试了这种推断。该研究参与者全部是某名校的学生。首先，他们进行了难度很高的词汇测试，并收到了表现不佳的反馈。然后参与者被随机分为两组。实验者对第一组（自我同情组）说：“并不只有你一个人觉得刚才进行的测试很难。学生认为这种测试难度高很正常。如果你觉得自己表现不佳，不必太过自责。”对于另一组参与者，实验者则说道：“如果你觉得刚才的测试很难，不必感到难过。能考上这所大学，说明你肯定很聪明。”

We tested this reasoning in a study in which participants (all students at a highly ranked university) first took a very difficult vocabulary test and received feedback that they had performed poorly. The participants were then randomly assigned to two groups. The experimenter remarked to the first group—the self-compassion condition—“If you had difficulty with the test you just took, you’re not alone. It’s common for students to have difficulty with tests like this. If you feel bad about how you did, try not to be too hard on yourself.” To the other group of participants, the experimenter instead said: “If you had difficulty with the test you just took, try not to feel bad about yourself—you must be intelligent if you got into this university.”

知在测试前花多长时间复习单词都可以。我们发现那些被鼓励以同情态度对待最初失败的参与者，更有可能以成长型思维看待自己的词汇能力，并且比自尊组参与者投入更多时间学习。似乎自我同情能促使他们做得更好，鼓励他们相信改善的可能性，并激励他们努力不懈，从而为提升自我奠定了基础。

Afterward, all participants were told they had to take another vocabulary test. They were given a chance to study a list of words and definitions and were advised that they could review the words as long they wanted before taking the test. We found that participants who were nudged to treat their initial failure with compassion were more likely to adopt a growth mindset about their vocabulary abilities and put in more time studying than their counterparts in the self-esteem condition were. It seems that self-compassion paved the way for self-improvement by revving up their desire to do better, encouraging the belief that improvement is possible, and motivating them to work harder.

真实做自己

Being True to the Self

在工作场所中，除了能促使员工提升自我，自我同情带来的好处还有很多。长此以往，人们能逐渐发现符合自己性格和价值观的角色。在生活中真实做自己，被心理学家称为“本真性”。本真性能增强人们的驱动力，并带来很多其他心理健康方面的益处。不幸的是，对很多人而言，在工作中保持本真性依然难以捉摸。人们可能会因不一致的工作场所行为规范，感到停滞不前，怀疑自己应做出的贡献，或担心遭到同事和上级负面评价，从而压抑真实自我。但自我同情能帮助他们评估职业和人生轨迹，并在必要的时间和地点上予以纠正。例如，某具有自我同情的销售主管未完成季度目标，她不仅会专注于如何改善下个季度的销售表现，而且更有可能评估她目前的工作岗位是否符合自己性情和性格。

Self-compassion has benefits for the workplace beyond boosting employees’ drive to improve. Over time, it can help people gravitate to roles that better fit their personality and values. Living in accord with one’s true self—what psychologists term “authenticity”—results in increased motivation and drive (along with a host of other mental health benefits). Unfortunately, authenticity remains elusive for many in the workplace. People may feel stuck in jobs where they have to suppress their true self because of incongruent workplace norms around behavior, doubts about what they have to contribute, or fears about being judged negatively by colleagues and superiors. But self-compassion can help people assess their professional and personal trajectories and make course corrections when and where necessary. A self-compassionate sales executive who misses a quarterly target, for example, not only will focus on how she can make her numbers next quarter but also will be more likely to take stock of whether she is in the right sort of job for her temperament and disposition.

在最近由张佳伟带头的研究中，我们发现，自我同情能通过尽量弱化消极思想和自我怀疑来培养本真性。在初步研究中，参与者完成了为期一周，每天一次的简短调查。他们被要求评估自我同情程度（“今天，我表现出对自己的关怀，理解和善意”）和本真性（“今天，我在与他人的交往中感觉真实和真诚”）。我们发现，自我同情程度的日常变化与本真性的变化密切相关。相对平均水平，在参与者报告具有更多同情心的日子里，他们也感受到了更多本真性。

In recent research spearheaded by Jia Wei Zhang, we discovered that self-compassion cultivates authenticity by minimizing negative thoughts and self-doubts. In an initial study, participants completed a short survey on a daily basis for one week. They were asked to rate their levels of self-compassion (“Today, I showed caring, understanding, and kindness toward myself”) and authenticity (“Today, I felt authentic and genuine in my interactions with others”) each day. We found that daily variations in levels of self-compassion were closely linked to variations in feelings of authenticity. On days when participants reported being more compassionate toward themselves relative to their average level, they also reported greater feelings of authenticity.

这些相关性研究结果得到了另一项研究的实证支持。在自我同情的态度、提升自尊的角度，或两者皆无这三种情况下，我们随机指派参与者对自己的人格弱点做出回应。紧接着，他们又完成了一份本真性的问卷。对自己弱点表现出自我同情的参与者所报告的本真性，明显高于其他两组参与者。

These correlational findings were strengthened by experimental evidence from another study in which we randomly assigned participants to respond to a personal weakness from a self-compassionate perspective, a self-esteem-boosting perspective, or neither. Immediately afterward, they completed questionnaires that measured how authentic they felt. Participants who were instructed to be self-compassionate about their weakness reported significantly higher feelings of authenticity than participants in the other two conditions did.

到底发生了什么？善待、理解、不加责备，这些言行能减轻人们对社会指责的忧虑，为本真性铺平道路。乐观似乎也起了作用。对生活持积极态度会让人们更愿意冒险，比如流露真实的自我。事实上，研究表明，乐观的人更容易坦陈自己的消极经历，例如他们所受的痛苦经历或面临的艰难医疗挑战。实际上，尽管存在潜在风险，但乐观主义增加了人们的真实倾向。我相信，自我同情能让情绪相对平静，视角相对平衡，帮助人们以积极态度对待困难。

What’s happening here? Treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and without judgment alleviates fears about social disapproval, paving the way for authenticity. Optimism also seems to play a role. Having a positive outlook on life makes people more willing to take chances—such as revealing their true selves. In fact, research shows that optimistic people are more likely to reveal negative things about themselves—such as distressing experiences they’ve endured or difficult medical challenges they face. In effect, optimism increases people’s inclination to be authentic, despite the potential risks involved. I believe that the relative emotional calm and the balanced perspective that come with being self-compassionate can help people approach difficult experiences with a positive attitude.

赋能领导力

Turbocharged Leadership

自我同情心态所产生的益处也能传递给他人，对于领导者而言尤其如此。因为同情他人和自我同情相互关联：锻炼其一，也能增进其二。善待自我、不苛责自我，也能让人学会善待他人；正如同情他人能增进人们对自己的同情一样，能创造积极向上的同理心循环，并矫正困扰工作环境的“不文明螺旋”。

A self-compassionate mindset produces benefits that spread to others, too. This is especially the case for people in leadership roles. That’s because self-compassion and compassion for others are linked: Practicing one boosts the other. Being kind and nonjudgmental toward the self is good practice for treating others compassionately, just as compassion for others can increase how compassionate people are toward themselves, creating an upward cycle of compassion—and an antidote to “incivility spirals” that too often plague work environments.

自我同情鼓励成长型思维——这一点和领导力也有关联。研究表明，当领导者采用成长型思维方式（也就是说，相信可以改变）时，他们更有可能关注下属绩效的变化，并提供如何改进的实用反馈。反过来，下属能发现领导何时拥有成长型思维，因此他们士气更高昂、感到更满足，而且更有可能采取成长型思维模式。古话说：“以身作则”，正适用于自我同情及其所鼓励的成长型思维。

The fact that self-compassion encourages a growth mindset is also relevant here. Research shows that when leaders adopt a growth mindset (that is, believe that change is possible), they’re more likely to pay attention to changes in subordinates’ performance and to give useful feedback on how to improve. Subordinates, in turn, can discern when their leaders have growth mindsets, which makes them more motivated and satisfied, not to mention more likely to adopt growth mindsets themselves. The old adage “lead by example” applies to self-compassion and the growth mindset it encourages.

领导和下属之间的类似联系也适用于本真性。人们可以感知到他人的本真性，当人们感到领导者忠于自我时，会在整个工作场所创造真实的氛围。大量证据表明，当人们在与他人互动中感到真实时，建立的关系更牢固。当领导者以自我同情的态度应对失败和挫折时，自己会从中受益，更有可能表现出对自己职业发展和成功有利的心理和行为。这些好处能惠及下属，造就自我同情在领导者和下属身上的双赢。

A similar link between leader and subordinates exists for authenticity, too. People can sense authenticity in others, and when leaders are seen as being true to themselves, it creates an atmosphere of authenticity throughout the workplace. There’s also substantial evidence that stronger relationships are forged when people feel authentic in their interactions with others. When leaders respond to failures and setbacks with a self-compassionate attitude, they themselves benefit, being more likely to exhibit psychological and behavioral tendencies that bode well for their own professional development and success. And the benefits can trickle down to subordinates, making the practice of self-compassion a win-win for leaders and those they lead.

培养自我同情

Fostering Self-Compassion

培养自我同情并不复杂，也不困难，是一项可以学习和提高的技能。从分析角度看，我建议可以利用心理学家对自我同情定义的三要素清单：我能善待和理解自己吗？我是否承认短板和失败，并愿与大家分享这些经验？我是否能控制自己的负面情绪？如果这些都不起作用，还有另一个简单的技巧：坐下来，以朋友和爱人的口吻，用第三人称给自己写一封信。我们中的许多人更善于成为他人而非自己的好友。所以给自己写信有助于避免自我防卫或自责升级。

Fostering self-compassion is not complicated or difficult. It’s a skill that can be learned and enhanced. For the analytically minded, I suggest using psychologists’ definition of self-compassion as a three-point checklist: Am I being kind and understanding to myself? Do I acknowledge shortcomings and failure as experiences shared by everyone? Am I keeping my negative feelings in perspective? If this doesn’t work, a simple “trick” can also help: Sit down and write yourself a letter in the third person, as if you were a friend or loved one. Many of us are better at being a good friend to other people than to ourselves, so this can help avoid spirals of defensiveness or self-flagellation.

近年来企业界在组织层面上，已经成功洗刷了对失败的污名化。这很自然，因为失败必然是实践，乃至创新的副产品。但我们中还有太多人未在工作中充分发掘失败的救赎力量。随着越来越多的行业被颠覆，人们的工作陷入剧变，该技能将变得越发重要。

The business community at large has done a good job of removing the stigma around failure in recent years at the organizational level—it’s a natural byproduct of experimentation and, ultimately, innovation. But too many of us are not harnessing the redemptive power of failure in our own work lives. As more and more industries are disrupted and people’s work lives are thrown into upheaval, this skill will become more important.

如果你发现，自己在职场和个人生活中不擅长培养自我同情，也无须自责。多加练习一定能做得更好。

If you’re struggling to foster self-compassion in your professional and personal life, don’t beat yourself up about it. With a little practice, you can do better.

刘铮筝 | 译   刘筱薇 | 校   时青靖 | 编辑

塞丽娜·陈（Serena Chen）｜文

塞丽娜·陈是加州大学伯克利分校心理学教授，Marian E. and Daniel E. Koshland Jr.创新教学和研究杰出主席。